times like these

It's usually in times like these, when the end of a loved one's life is near, that a family comes together in support and compassion for one another.

It's usually in times like these that people decide that what's more important than pride is unconditional love.

It's usually in times like these when all members of these families can be counted upon to keep everyone abreast of the progress and life state of the elder who's ill.

For my family, though, it's in times like these that they distance themselves even more; it's in times like these that they act the coldest, that they show their greatest weaknesses, and prove that even when it's a life or death situation, they will choose ignorance and bigotry over acceptance and love.

God help us all.

you can usually tell

You can usually tell I'm enjoying life by the way I tend to thoughtlessly neglect my blog. Not as much to rant about, not as much to say. I hate that; I'd much rather look back at this place three years from now and read happy things about life and love and marriage and things. Instead I'm probably going to end up with 300 posts about apologizing for not being dedicated.

I ask myself on a daily basis why I bother keeping this thing at all, if that's the case. I've come up with two answers: 1) I paid for this bitch, and it's good for another year at least, and 2) I'm still holding out hope that a motivational speaker in fairy form will come find me, wave her magic wand, and grant me the gift of storytelling.

Well ... till she shows up, you're getting bullet points:

• It's been 30 days since I've started putting a certain philosophy into practice, and life has been overwhelmingly blissful ever since. It's a little freaky. Not only am I happier, more compassionate and self-fulfilled, I also find myself saying things like, "I love my job," and, "no, honey, let me do the dishes." I'm telling you ... freaky. I'd clue you all in, but I'm still sort of experimenting, and I want to see where it takes me before I propagate (in case you're wondering, it's not religious), but if you're curious, ask and ye shall receive!



• Wife & I are going to Seattle in 29 days and counting. Squee! It'll be a year since I've been there, and I'm nearly dying of withdrawals. Looking forward to showing her around and stalking Dan Savage.



• I've embarked on a photography project, (Project 365 for you fellow Flickrers). I'm no good at finishing the things I start, and I'm giving myself till about mid-May to punk out, but for now, it's a lot of fun and I'm learning a lot of things about photography. For instance, did you know that the timer option can usually mean the difference between a point & shoot picture and a professional-looking shot? Of course you did. I'm habitually slow on the uptake.

Here is the picture I took today. The beauty of living a block from the beach is that I can usually make it there before the sun sets each evening.

transformation/transmutation

I can almost physically feel the hurt and the anger being extracted from within right now. Such a drastic change from the last couple months of my life.

I won't recount all that has happened in the last few days; I'm much too unstable to relive it all right now, and anyway, the purpose of the extraction process is to allow things to be released, not harp on them. But in an oddly shaped nutshell, I have embarked on a journey that is extremely different than the one I've been on for the last 8 or so years. Actually, eh, scratch that; the path is similar, but my approach has completely changed, and the things I'm confronting/experiencing/working through as a result are phenomenal.

Phenomenal.

Craziness and bouts of bawling abound. But I'm finding beneath them a sense of peace I have never - ever - experienced before in my life. Conviction in its most humble form, unwavering resolve and a burning desire to succeed are among the gifts I've found in the process. And it has only just begun.

I promise to be less cryptic when I'm not being faced with a blogger vs. dinner conundrum. Suffice it for now to say that I am feeling a ton better from my last entry. Thank you all for caring enough to encourage me to light things on fire. (Always an immediate way to tell a friend from apathetic witnesses, for sure.) I promise, whenever it is you need it, I will do the same for you.

Wishing you peace beyond all understanding,

Billie

oh my GOD, you guys

Life is SUCKING right now!

Has that ever happened to you? Those days when you're just thunderstruck at the capability of everything and everyone in your life to suck so hard?! Oh my GOD!

I've tried taking things in bit by bit, prioritizing and chiseling at each problem a little each day. But for some reason, today, every problem has decided to quadruple in size; each person I've come in contact with has chosen today to be the assiest asshole alive; and I can't do a fucking thing about it.

I am closer than I've ever been to throwing a gargantuan temper tantrum and I have no idea how to stop it. My only ideas for a change in life condition right now are to a) eat the rest of my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, right out of its carton, b) chant (which always works, but I don't even WANT to feel better right now), and c) light some shit on fire.

Please don't respond with words of wisdom or encouragement. It will not help. Proceed with commiseration only, otherwise, just pass the Ben & Jerry's.

rain i don't mind

plumber's here
he's expecting chaos to ensue from the phenooooomenal rainstorm we're having
coworker nods: yes, it's terrible!
mother nature! poor us!
meanwhile i
just want to go outside
and play.

wrong way

Begrudging my life for 40 hours a week and spending the rest of my time recovering from them is absolutely no way to live. I've been up since 2:30, enjoying some much needed time alone, but also dreading the work week that awaits me.

It's easy to identify the beauty in the world at 4:00am; much more difficult to see it in a corporate office being faced with the likes of my lazy coworkers.

Maybe that's my mission. Maybe I'm supposed to be using this experience as an opportunity to learn compassion. Calling them twatwaffles and things of that sort doesn't make them any easier to deal with, it only allows me to blow off some rage. The rage will keep appearing as long as I continue occupying a passive position.

I feel like I've had this realization before: I really need to play the active role in my life. I keep letting these situations have their way with me.

goodbye, tp

I was always a big fan of Teddy's. I can't really say why. I think it started as appreciation for his absurd, sometimes frightening sound, and eventually turned into sincere admiration. He's one of those artists, like Ella or Frank, that I always go back to when the newer stuff just isn't cutting it.

WTF, 2010. Isn't the Year O' Death over?

progress, maybe

I've spent the last couple hours completely redoing my Safari bookmarks. The list of sites I frequent daily has changed dramatically over the last six months.

Sign that I'm undergoing transformation, or proof that I lead an uneventful life? Hmm.

Today has been the worst fibro day this season. It's really strange, and I'm not sure why it's getting so bad, aside from the change in weather. I've spent the last couple hours transferring the heating pad from one arm to another, which has helped considerably, and now I'm just trying to decompress before going to bed.

The Jacksons' A&E show is on. It's absolutely terrible and I can't get enough. I've decided that Jermaine is more scary than narcissistic, and Jackie is by far my favorite. Not surprising, as he reminds me so much of Uncle Randy.

My cousin just texted me telling me how happy he is that I'm in his life. He's been drinking Irish car bombs. Not gonna lie; I am pretty convinced that he suffers from alcoholism. It hasn't gotten bad yet (...?) and I know he's doing a lot of self-discovery in his sober life, but it is worrying nonetheless. I have no idea how to approach him about it just yet. I feel like I'd know how to intervene if it was worse, but right now it just looks like party time all the time; no 'harm' is being done.

There's something so dishonest about that last sentence.

I think I've improved since my last update as far as my emotional condition goes. I'm not crying and I'm not worrying as much about what to do next. Every few hours or so I'll replay the situation in my head; I'll hear my dad yell, "don't ever come to this house again" and be filled with much of the same rage and disappointment as I was on Christmas Eve. But for the sake of survival, I shake my head as if to knock the memory out of my brain and try to move on.

I'm learning to confront these issues gradually instead of waiting for a breakdown and working my way up from there. I have no doubt I'll persevere. In the meantime I'm still a little eh about life in general, and that'll just have to do.

trudging

Being in this office during the three days between Hellsmas and New Years is depressing. 4 of the 7 people who work in this office took these three days off because they're smart or have vacation time to spare; the rest of us have sat here in silence for hours with our thumbs up our asses, waiting for the bell to ring. The phones are completely dead; there are no visitors. I haven't gotten an email since 8:54am and the very important project I was working on was submitted yesterday evening. It is miserable.

There's not much one can do during the wasted time at the office. I've watched Lord of the Rings, I've watched Paris Je T'aime; I tried reading 'What the Dickens?' which Jess bought me for Christmas but I found myself dozing off. I wanted to write thank you cards for the wedding, but I can't find them anywhere at home.

Indeed. Our house is that dirty.

Instead of decorating cakes or writing nice notes, publishing a decent blog entry or doing anything productive whatsoever, I've been looking at t-shirts online, daydreaming and getting all sorts of down. I'm sure to snap out of it soon, but in the meantime I just feel... feh. I was going to write a lot more, but then I got lazy and gave up. Till next time.

in the last five days i have:

• told off my piece of shit father for the first time in my life
• been banned from my family's house and banned from seeing my siblings
• rearranged my living room furniture (looks quite nice now)
• heard my wife bitch my father out and watched her bruise her wrist punching the wall in anger
• baked pumpkin cupcakes (they were quite delicious)
• eaten undercooked meat
• pretended to be straight
• had pizza
• received the evenstar as a christmas gift (it's quite gorgeous)
• had a beautiful and insightful conversation with my father's brother for the first time in my life
• decided not to go back to school this year
• bawled like an idiot off and on for roughly 96 hours

Happy Holidays? I sincerely hope Baby Jesus Day was more kind to you and your kin than it was to us.

ugh

I don't even know how to feel about this weekend. I ask you: how would you feel if you heard someone scream the N word in a kitchen full of your closest friends and then noticed that not one of them flinched?

first step

Today is the day I sit down with my boss and ask him to cut my hours. I'm a little petrified. I've been trying to gauge his mood over the last 4 hours and it looks like he could be better. He could also be a lot worse, though. He's yelled at one coworker once but has also sung the five dollar foot long song to me, so... yeeeah. (Do you see? Do you see the asshattery I have to work with on a daily basis?)

Ever since having the "wait, maybe I do want to bake bundt cakes for the rest of my life" epiphany last week I've been considering my options. The first option is to bake cupcakes at home and sell them wholesale to catering companies. My second option is to open my own bakery and serve people whatever the hell I want.

I've been pretty disciplined lately with gongyo and have chanted in the car on the way to work every morning. Monday morning I chanted an extra twenty minutes while stuck in traffic, and when I got to work, the only thought that entered my mind was, "next step." I hate this place, yet I've been here for 3 years and have only taken one additional semester of classes. It is far beyond the time to take the next step. I need to be moving forward, even if it takes me another 3 years. So I looked up classes at Long Beach. Their culinary arts program seems pretty fantastic, if not downright sensational. The intro to baking course would require me to leave at 3:30 two days a week, which isn't too bad at all, but I know my body and I know that the lack of sleep (class lets out at 10:00 each night) combined with the hours on my feet and the lab work would render me achey and anxious. I also have a certain amount of lab hours to accrue. So I will probably need Fridays off to rest and work on homework. Depending on what this looks like for my salary, I will either have Fridays off or have an early dismissal.

I figure this'll give me ample time and experience to see whether or not baking really is something I can make a career out of. If it turns out my passion for Italian (or for photography) is actually greater, I will at least be able to finish my education in that while working a job I love.

Such is the life of a fickle young woman in her 20's.

things i want out of life:

Pizza night
I want to start eating better, including lots of fruits and vegetables in our everyday diet, and then save room for a pizza dinner once a week.

More time to read
The list of books I’m dying to plow through gets longer and I’m starting to wish I could stop the world for a couple or forty days to read them.

More time to write
Blog what?

Wife’s happiness
She should be afforded more time alone to chant and work through karmic blocks.

Once-a-month dates with Mom
Remember when we used to go see a movie and then grab a bite to eat in the Century City Mall food court? I can still taste the Rice Krispies treats and grasshopper pies.

No more coughing
Cause, really, it’s disgusting. I started coughing the day before our wedding, an entire month ago.

The ability to finish everything I start
Cause halfway through this I felt the urge to erase it all and start something else.

Bundt cakes
They make me happy, which I know sounds sappy, but it’s true.

Direction
Do I want bundt cakes for the rest of my life? I thought I wanted be an Italian teacher. Or a photographer. Or a conceptual expressionist. Today I heard myself say, "If I could bake all day everyday, I would be happy." The idea isn't new to me; in fact, I've said that very thing as much as 20 times this season. But it just now occurred to me: I could do this forever. Hm. And I mean, hey, no degree required! But... don't I want to speak Italian for a living? Don't I want to be around kids? Maybe I could teach a baking course to children at the elementary age in Italy, then take photos of my new neighborhood on the weekends. Are you there, God?

A Christmas tree
Stupid cat.

More of the wife
She's changed. All for the good. I want more of her. I can't get enough.

People to own up to their shit
Admit it: you can be a giant asshole. It's ok; I can be too. Apologize for it, learn from it and let's all move on.

Booooooooooks
The Wicked series ~ Gregory Maguire I've heard more bad reviews than good but each time I read a back cover I get more and more excited about reading it.
Photo ~ Sammy Davis, Jr.
This Book Does Not Exist: Adventures in the Paradoxical ~ Gary Hayden
Water for Elephants ~ Sara Gruen It's the circus.
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked & Spewed ~ Lance Carbuncle His last name is Carbuncle.
Suzy, Led Zeppelin and Me ~ Martin Millar Still not quite sure why I don't own everything he's ever written.

Music
It's not that I want more CD's, I just want the time and space to be able to explore and listen to new music. I'll never tire of my Charlie Mingus and Sam Cooke albums, but of the 25 artists included on NPR's best music of 2009 list, I'd heard of 6.

Make more care packages
Who wants one? It has been a while and I miss the fun in assembling the goods.

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Sharing is caring and I've been bored shitless at work.

I feel like taking pictures. I want to take more pictures. I bought this gorgeous $1300 camera and have taken... meh... 5 shots I'm actually proud of? I'm really just waiting for someone to come along and teach me the wonders of Photoshop.

Any takers?

In the meantime I am baking cakes, smaller cakes, biscuits, bars and cookies for the holidays; I am running out of time to buy Jess a birthday present; and I'm watching Mean Girls on DVD.

Somehow my life seems so much more interesting in my head.

done and done!

seventeen days

Our wedding website tells me there's 17 days until our wedding.

...I may be on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Life has been treating me well in all other areas, though. Work's been boring, which is always a good thing; I was recently reconnected with my estranged cousin/best friend after a couple years of no contact; I've been spending lots of quality time with my closest friends, and wifey and I couldn't be happier.

Actually, that last part's not true; we could be a lot happier. We just need this wedding to be over before that happens.

And that may be all I have to say until I'm able to reclaim my brain.

honesty

I sometimes wish for the opportunity to arise when I'm asked specifically how I feel about someone and get to answer completely honestly. I wish I could ask people to ask me how I really feel about them. But I guess the world doesn't really work that way. Few are prepared to hear such honesty without also feeling attacked and consequently defensive, myself included. And while I fantasize about it being a healthy experience wherein each of us would get to learn about and improve ourselves, it's pretty easy to see that it wouldn't happen that way.

I'm not talking about anyone in particular; I'm just thinking. And that may be a sign of weakness on my part; like I'm not fearless, upfront and/or douchey enough to just offer my opinion of someone without being provoked, so I fantasize about getting to let it all out and fantasize about making people feel good with the positive remarks/explaining my actions and interactions with them with the negative. I think a part of it is also the little Buddha in me wanting to make peace with everyone by creating an open forum for dialogue. And part of it is me being curious about what these people would say in response and what I'd have to learn by what people think of me.

I don't know. What do you think? Could such a thing ever work if put out there, and if so, would you be interested to know?

I posed this question to a couple people in my personal life and got some great feedback, but I also want to know what the rest of the world thinks.

tumblr

I now have a Tumblr account. Sigh. I know. Blame Annie.

same ol'

I ended up doing the same ol'. I made the red, white & blue cupcakes again. Though this time I did do something a wee bit different: I tried to make it look like an American flag. Had it been a little bigger it would've looked like one. Heh.

4th baking

I really want to bake something for the 4th of July, but for once I have no idea what to bake. I took a look around all my favorite baking sites and found lots of cool ideas, but they all seem too time-consuming. I usually expect all my baking endeavors to take me a while, and if I wasn't planning on doing most of my moving this weekend I'd do something like this:

Courtesy of 17 and baking.

But I really have no time, and I know I'll end up washing cupcake pans at 4:00am and hating life if I tried doing it after we move all of our stuff in.

I did this for our Memorial Day BBQ this year, and they went over great:

But I also don't want to do the same ol'. ::shrug:: I'll let you know what I come up with!

Happy Fourth, everyone!

creative depression

I miss my blog. I am aching to write. And there's so much to write about! Jess & I are not going to the east coast this year after all (sorry, guys, for taking so long to admit that -- I didn't want to believe it myself), we're moving into a new apartment that's literally 2 blocks away from the beach, we're frantically planning our wedding, and life is improving on all fronts. Yet I still have no inspiration to say or write anything. I think it's creative depression, if there is such a thing. Generally speaking, I am quite happy. Life's been treating me well and have little to complain about. But when it comes to creativity, I'm drained.

I'm hoping that one day soon I'll re-awaken my desire to blog and start posting entries that say more than just, "sorry, everyone, life is busy gtg!"

sister # 2

Saturday morning: long before the rest of Los Angeles woke up.  I took my other sister out to both practice on the camera and indulge her in her vanity.  This was the result.

...it's no wonder I'm so insecure; my sisters got all the family looks. ;)

sister

I took my sister out to a park this weekend to take photos of her. I guess I never notice, when I see her every other weekend or so -- usually dressed in pajamas and tank tops, that the girl is truly a work of art. Part of me is proud of the young beauty she's become; another is a little sad to see the little girl in blue tights and pigtails go.

Such is adolescence.

working it out

My life has been ridiculous lately. A lot of amazing things have happened since my much needed trip to Seattle, and a lot of scary things have happened as well. I don't have time to think lately, it seems. And I'm aware that that's always the case. My time is totally mismanaged. To remedy this I've decided to pull out some index cards, paste them to our bedroom wall and let them dictate when and how much time I devote to everything that needs my attention.

Until then, I'm gonna have to continue ignoring my corner in cyberspace. It makes me sad. I hope you all are well.

seattle

For whatever reason, this picture comes out horribly blurry. Trying now to fix...

new camera

I got a new camera!  Thank you, what-turned-out-to-be-a-$2300 tax refund!  This'll probably mean that you will see even less of me while I'm off trying to figure out what all these buttons do.  But I will stop by often to post the photos I've taken.  Most of them will be of Jessie, of course.

adulthood & constipation

I have no motivation. To write or think or talk or do anything at all. Except for maybe sleep. Despite this, I have been very happy the last few days. Jessie getting laid off for some reason has made me feel a lot better than I've felt over the past few months. It's a combination of 1) her not being stressed which both directly and indirectly affects me; I'm just really really happy that she gets to live life the way she should now, 2) knowing I'm going to be supporting us with my salary makes me feel a lot more responsible and a lot less careless with my money, which in turn makes me feel like an adult, which totally boosts my self esteem, and 3) our laundry is being done, my errands are being run, our cat is less of an asshole and our home life has generally improved.

Still, I haven't been able to write anything or talk about anything with anyone. I'm constipated again. Nothing wants to come out... or rather, nothing's really there. Tuesday was one of the best days of my life and I can't get myself to write about it. Oh, well.

an unsatisfactory update

good news:

• we are going to NYC in june (13th till the 19th... ahem, east coast bloggers...)
  
• things with my father have miraculously improved
• george harrison got his star on the walk of fame
• i stood ten feet away from paul mccartney, jeff lynne, tom petty, eric idle, tom hanks, dhani & olivia harrison and joe walsh
• i stood ten feet away from paul mccartney, jeff lynne, tom petty, eric idle, tom hanks, dhani & olivia harrison and joe walsh
• i stood ten feet away from paul mccartney, jeff lynne, tom petty, eric idle, tom hanks, dhani & olivia harrison and joe walsh
• i died due to an overabundance of awesome but managed to rise again
• i'll be getting a $1700 tax refund this year

bad news:

• my jessie was laid off yesterday
  
• my car is making some horrible noises and i'm a little nervous about the money it's going to cost to fix it

but the good news is:

• i'm thankfully making enough to support us while jess takes some well deserved time to de-stress, relax, live life and look for a job that she absolutely loves
  
• we've saved enough to keep us safe should anything happen to my job
• our NYC tickets are non-refundable so we will still have to enjoy a much needed vacation (i know, right? damn!)
• i stood ten feet away from paul mccartney, jeff lynne, tom petty, eric idle, tom hanks, dhani & olivia harrison and joe walsh

testing again

Well, yay, it looks like my new blog is finally set up!  Rawr.  I am testing the new layout out, making sure there's nothing else to change (aside from the links in the sidebar, but I'll get to that later...)

I'm tired.

I had a beautiful, lazy weekend.  I don't remember most of it.  Probably just because there wasn't much to remember.  I stayed in my PJ's all day Saturday, ate some Mexican food Saturday night with my sick wife, and woke up early to bake on Sunday.  I bought these decorating bags, decorating tips and baker's icing a couple weeks ago and I was really excited to use them.  I also had a bunch of pumpkin hanging around from my last spice cake, and I'd found my blue sprinkles, so out of that came this:

I used a Martha Stewart recipe for the first time too.  Now I can see how it's impossible for some to hate her.

...not that I'm one of those people, but I can understand it.

This was also my first time dying my own icing, and even though it looks like salmon cream, I'm still pretty pleased with the outcome.  These might've been my best cupcakes thus far!

Seriously, why am I not doing this for a living yet?

For my long lost, or cyber-found sister, Tina, here I am.  This was fun!  (More the looking at pictures of the other hot blogging women in their own cowboy hats than my own...)

This hat is actually Jessie's, but hey, what's hers is mine. :D

No. 2

Dublin

testing just to see if my feed works...

I'm still waiting for some good samaritan to come over and revamp my new .com blog for me.  Until that happens, and until I have a hangover cure effective enough to pull my brain out from the toilet bowl (seriously, I drank so much last night that I woke up this morning and it took me 45 minutes to be able to open my eyes), there's this.

No. 1 in a series called "Places I'd Rather Be":

Montmartre

to [try to but probably end up forgetting to] do:

• visit my mom, give her starbucks and show her my gown
  
• laundry. lots and lots of laundry.
  
• reorganize dresser
  
• do tax return
  
• see sgi/unicef lecture w/ orlando bloom at wcc
  
• beardiversary III
  
• post-beardiversary III partying @ casa nostra
  
• have girl date with kay (!)
  
• have real date with wife
  
• watch "i love you, man"
  
• watch new netflix movies
  
• start getting my insurance claim together
  

I wanted to go to my dad's house and show off my gown to my grandma/stepmom, but in light of our new plans to be in a loving father-daughter relationship, I'm gonna wait till Dad gets back from the Virgin Islands so he can be the first to see it.

It's fucking crazy how things have immediately improved.

(I realize I haven't said anything about this extraordinary breakthrough with my father here, so I fully intend on enlightening you all shortly; this weekend's just going to be a pile of ridiculous)

I also really, really wanted my sister to come over and play with us now that she's allowed to, per my dad, but it just doesn't look like I'm gonna have time. Seriously, who the fuck thought it a good idea to work 5 days out of a week and only get 2 days to live? Boo.

I am a happy panda these days.

Today I decided to log in to 311.com to make sure I still had time before the presale went on, and it told me my password was incorrect. So I logged into my old AOL account, the one I have all my spam directed to, to retrieve my information. Upon viewing the 533 unread messages in my inbox, I noticed I had one from David's Bridal. Title: Your order has arrived!

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My dress is HERE!

I'm so ridiculously impatient I just took my lunch hour to drive down to Long Beach Towne Center to pick it up. I'm so scared that anything will happen to it that I brought it into the office with me, for fear that the car might get too hot and melt the plastic covering.

Dude. I have my wedding gown in my hand. Today is a MASSIVE success.

Done and done!

Well that took all of no time.  Thanks to Tina-cious and my lovely Jessie for their suggestions and advice.

It should probably take a while for the page to load, as my DNS thingamajig takes up to a couple days to register, or something or somesuch.  Don't ask me; I know minimal web domain lingo.  But as soon as that's done I can hide this page.

I think.

I've been debating lately on whether or not to set up another blog.

Yes, sadly, yet another.  Y'see, originally I'd set this blog up to keep my family up to date on my life things.  So while I've been attempting to express myself here in the most honest way possible, I've kept this place just about as tame as I can get.  (This has proven to be a difficult feat, as part of my appeal is my ability to curse like an angry drunken sailor, and this is simply never done around here.)  But I left it open to the public to peruse my random posts and thoughts, and then I got readers - all eight of you, and then I came to the sad realization that no one in my family even reads this thing.  So really, the reason I'm keeping this relatively G-rated is completely irrelevant.

I just read my baby's post about our delicious evening, and I'd like to touch on it too.  But I can't here, for fear that one of my siblings, parents, cousins or uncles will choose this particular moment to become an avid reader of my blog.  And, well, you know... awkwaaaard.

But then there's this: I have had blog after blog after blog, and each and every time I get overwhelmed with the self-imposed pressure to jot things down after every experience.  I give myself deadlines, I become far too aware that people are looking and subsequently find my writing severely lacking, and then I become discouraged and give up on the whole thing altogether.

Also weighing in on this potential decision is the fact that I love twenty-six temptations.  It's one of my favorite DeVotchKa songs and it seems to suit me well.  I'd have to abandon this compound in exchange for something I'd have to invent.  And starting all over seems daunting.

Ugh.  At a loss.  Any thoughts?

Venice, California.

Sometimes she looks at me with those big green eyes and that pure, childlike smile and colors my entire world in reds and purples, yellows and pinks.  I'm facing her right now, laptop snuggled between my Indian-styled legs as she plays her Lord of the Rings game on the X-Box.  I'd like to time the intervals between gazes; surely no longer than 5 minutes have passed since the last time she took a break to tell me she loves me.

Earlier she told me that she was sure I'd "own" a competition her friends had dreamed up today, and I realized then that no one has ever believed in me the way she does.

My life is so rich.  My heart is so warm.

I'm supposed to be at a masquerade ball of sorts right now with Jessie.  I was super excited about it, too.  Made my mask last night, and though I have no full length dresses that actually fit me anymore, I was anxious to see what my last minute rummaging would've given me to wear.

But that was before I woke up this morning in a great deal of pain and a huge pool of depression.

I can't say exactly what did me in because there are more factors confronting me than I know what to do with.  I realized last night just how angry of a person I've become, and that really scared me.  I have my share of painfully obvious faults, but I have never been a bitter woman.  As I drove without a seatbelt on, screaming at other drivers (using some obscenities even *I* don't use), thinking about my fibromyalgia and how it makes even the smallest of chores - such as driving to 7-11 - painful and daunting tasks, I realized that I've turned into one of those people that resent their lives and don't do a damn thing about it.

Well, to give myself a little bit of credit, I'm not doing nothing about it, but surely the bitching, moaning and screaming isn't helping me.

Yesterday my best friend since 6th grade and I had a row.  Not your usual argument; this one was a long time coming and if it weren't for the fact that we were doing it via LiveJournal, someone's ears would've been ringing at the volume of our screams.  The argument took a lot out of me.  I have been preparing myself for it for quite some time, and I have to admit, even though I regret having to "yell" at her the way I did, the truth is I don't want to be joined at the hip by our long list of inside jokes anymore.  I've felt us drifting apart for the last few years, and have welcomed it as a part of life: we've simply grown into people who are more different than we are alike.  I feel a little freer, a little less tied down now.

I've been subconsciously searching for a new BFF lately; someone who makes me feel honored to be their friend.  He/she doesn't have to know my entire backstory, but I've been really needing a friend who inspires me and who can share a lot of interesting things with me.  Now that things here have concluded (I think, anyway, she's unavailable today due to Shabbat, and might have more things to yell at me once she can get onto her computer), I feel like I really need to start looking for a new best friend.

My job stresses me out for 40 hours each week, my commute takes two hours out of every day, Jess and I are not without our troubles as well - though they're the only ones I regularly feel like we can conquer, and on top of everything, I feel like we ALWAYS have some social engagement to attend and they rob me of my rest.  It's a struggle not to let this fibro control my life, so in trying to not let it keep me from doing things I like I end up ignoring my body when it tells me too much is too much, and then I end up having days like today when my body feels like it's breaking down.  I can't do that to myself anymore.  My arms hurt so bad I'm not exactly sure why or how I'm typing right now, and I'm getting the spasms in my back again.  I've decided that today is do-nothing-but-watch-Hercules-and-other-happy-movies day.

/rant.

Now back to your regularly scheduled, negativity-free blogging.

I'm coming down from a serious chocolate-ginger-molasses-cream-cheese-cupcake high and have little energy, so this'll be another one of my incoherent, poorly punctuated entries.  This morning I finished the book I was reading and was happy to do so.  I'm usually not into fantasy novels; the only sort of fantasy I'm into is realplay and the occasional film (see LOTR).  But this one cleverly intertwined the otherworldly creatures with the everyday human beings and depicted the mind of a fairy in accordance with how I'd always expected them to be.  It was cool.  I'd definitely recommend it.  Martin Millar is the author, a fairly unknown one, but on par with Vonnegut (which I know now after finally reading his stuff) and apparently he keeps on blog on Blogger that I'm no less than thrilled to follow.

After my boss assured me two days ago that he's ok with us doing personal things at our desks with our down time (of which there's plenty), I also spent the day searching for new blogs to read, making use of the awesome virtual PC that my coworker installed on my MacBook by creating some random graphics to put on my blog, and eating the delicious leftovers Jessie made for us last night.

Also, I recently ordered the entire Xena dvd collection on ebay and it arrived today at work.  There are no words for my excitement.  I think marathon episodes are going to start happening on Sunday.

After work we stopped by a Mexican restaurant where I gorged myself on a chimichanga.  Horrible, horrible idea.  I felt a little sick afterwards but busied it away.  Then, looking over my shoulder as I browsed cooking blogs at home, Jess got the idea to try a new recipe for rice pudding.  Seeing her throw random ingredients together and turning them into amazing food always inspires me, but I never bother to do real cooking because I know she'll trample me in that department.  I decided instead to take that inspiration and try baking with whatever ingredients we had here.  I ended up making chocolate cupcakes with molasses and ginger, then topped it with a cream cheese icing.  They turned out well.  Fairly tasty.  But the ginger kind of tastes alone in the otherwise sweet recipe.  Whatever, I'm just glad they're edible.  I licked cream cheese from my hands throughout the process as I was using ziploc in lieu of a decorating bag, and then once they were done I ate one, so I'm pretty sugared out right now.  The sick feeling I shrugged off earlier has creeped back up and I kinda want to die.

And since I have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow I think I'm gonna try and sleep the food coma away.

All in all, a pleasant day. Excited for the hot-wing cook-off and masquerade ball on Saturday, and Xena viewing on Sunday.  Woo!

Today has been gorgeous.  It's been raining outside for most of the day, only stopping about an hour ago, though the sky remains cozy and gray, and I've been warm in my office reading a new book: The Good Fairies of New York to pass the time.  The cutest book I may have ever read; only if Amelie had been a literary character before she came to life on screen would anything exist to make my heart giggle as much as this book does.  I love it.  I read a couple pages before bed last night and am almost done with it today.

I'm still at work, but there hasn't been much to do round these parts lately, so after complaining to my boss yesterday, he assured me that working on personal things at my desk, like planning my wedding, learning German, reading or surfing the internet were/are acceptable and appropriate ways to pass the time until we get a new project in.  This is the first day I've felt comfortable messing around at work so much, simply because it finally came straight from the horse's mouth: Go crazy!  Just don't intrude on your coworkers.

Don't worry, bossman; the less we have to bother one another the happier we all will be.

Funny. Today has been a craptastic day (though I can't blame it; Saturday and Sunday were allowed to be emotionally exhausting, so it's just following suit), and halfway through it I find myself singing "nobody told me there'd be days like these... strange days indeed... most peculiar, mama..."

I haven't listened to John at all today!

Sometimes the mere fact that their music unconsciously follows me as a soundtrack to my experiences makes me happy to be alive.

results

Spice Cake # 1 = complete, and it is as nummy as one would think.  Only it's not as spicy as we'd imagined, so I don't think this is what we're looking for wedding-wise.  It was still delicious, though, so I may try again, just with more cloves, ginger and cinnamon.

Now off to my grandparents' so I don't have to eat it all myself.  Happy Sunday!

I NEED one of these!

I'm blog searching while the cake is in the oven.  I found this:

I NEED one.

See more here.

baking day

I am making two spice cakes today.  We've decided that our wedding cake will definitely be a spice cake, and so I've opted to make as many as I can, both to get more practice, and also to help us choose which taste we like more.

Jess has asked her BFF to create our wedding cake for a price, and I am all for that, except that I'm still of the opinion that it's a LOT to ask of someone.  I mean, a LOT.  But if no one else can do this cake and make it delicious and inexpensive, we may have to go that route.

Hmm, I could also pay her in slices of our selections.

Results to be posted soon!

spoiler alert: the reader

I fell asleep on the couch yesterday for like 3 hours. It was delicious. I wanted to watch the Oscars but I am the only awards show watcher in our household so Jessie suggested we go see The Reader as planned.

...

....

.......

That movie was incredible. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything less, but I had no idea what the entire story was all about. All I knew was that it was a love story set in post-WW2 Germany and it was a bit scandalous.

Scandalous isn't even the word. The movie sunk deep. It wasn't the love story itself or the issue revealed late in the movie; it was the questions the film begged you to answer. It was the very clever way in which it forced you to recognize the humanness of people who from afar only represent evil. It forced you to see that even the darkest souls with the most tainted records are still lives that have the potential of positively affecting others'. I was totally in awe of the gall it must've taken this writer to create a story that asked you to feel compassion for a Nazi. Not that it asked for much; on the contrary, I still found myself wanting her to die in the end, and when she did, it felt right. I also really appreciate the work the boy did: teaching her and helping her without forgiving or letting her in.

It was just incredible. I had a conversation months back with Jess about whether or not I would shoot someone if they were attempting to kill me. I answered that I most likely would, like anyone else would, but I also acknowledge that that would still make me a murderer. Am I in the right because I am defending myself? I am by law, but am I right morally? If I pull the trigger first, does that prevent evil, or am I participating in it? If I take someone else's life am I saying that my own life is more valuable than theirs? Sure, one might think that the life of a criminal's won't be missed the way a life of an innocent citizen would, but if I kill that person am I not just perpetuating the same thing they are? Won't that build my violent karma against my strength?

Certainly the character in this film did such evil that you anxiously anticipate her punishment and feel some sort of absolution when she dies. But it's hard to watch this movie without asking yourself every question that the boy asks himself. Why? And how many rights does one deserve after committing the most inconceivable of acts?

It has definitely got my wheels turning. I always say I know it's a good movie when I'm still thinking about it afterward.

Today has been horrendous at work, but I'm glad I wrote this entry; it totally preoccupied me for the entire lunch hour.

we're doing it again

Day turned black, sky ripped apart
Rained for a year 'til it dampened my heart
Cracks and leaks
The floorboards caught rot
About to go down
I had almost forgot

All I got to do is to love you
All I got to be is, be happy
All it's got to take is some warmth to make it
Blow Away, Blow Away, Blow Away

Sky cleared up, day turned to bright
Closing both eyes now the head filled with light
Hard to remember what a state I was in
Instant amnesia
Yang to the Yin

All I got to do is to love you
All I got to be is, be happy
All it's got to take is some warmth to make it
Blow Away, Blow Away, Blow Away

Wind blew in, cloud was dispersed
Rainbows appearing, the pressures were burst
Breezes a-singing, now feeling good
The moment had passed
Like I knew that it should

All I got to do is to love you
All I got to be is, be happy
All it's got to take is some warmth to make it
Blow Away, Blow Away, Blow Away